moveslikestrider | [Video

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First things first, what asshole thought, 'hm I don't think making turkeys are confusing enough. I'm going to put a BAG on it like I'm covering up a grisly murder scene'. I'm dying to know what went through their head. They went as far as to label the bag 'fool proof'.

[The blond teenager talking makes finger quotes with his fingers as he continues on.]

I think they should have named it, 'screwing with you'. That stupid thing does nothing and apparently you're supposed to slit it up the sides anyway?? How is that a bag?? That's a cover not a plastic all encompassing container for your meat.

And those instructions.

[He jabs a finger at the screen this time and his aviator shades fall down his nose. He pushes them up and yes, yes he's not done.]

What's wrong with, okay so the bird is bigger than the neighbor's dog. You need to roast your fowl in the hot box for X hours. No, no, they have to complicate that too.

[He picks up those handy instructions anyone gets with a large turkey and waves them at the gear.]

We suggest you add 30 minutes per pound to the cooking time. As if that is going to make sense to all of us. I mean, about about those people who are shit at math. Or the ovens built entirely differently.

And check the warnings you find every time. [He thwacks the booklet with a sharp pop with the back of his hand.] 'Do not drop frozen turkey on you or your pets.' Who is stupid enough not to just dethaw it in a clean tub on the floor. Or in the sink, you know, away from anything critter or human??

[He grumbles and moves to shut the gear off then pauses.] Oh right.

So the sky opened up and acted like it was doomsday with wind. We all know that. But if you ran across a nerd who talks a lot about ghosts and may or may not have an omanyte with him that beelines for porcelain thrones or bathtubs, tell him to call home already.

If he ran off already. I dunno, tell me and I'll add it to the kicks to his shin when I find him.

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[[Rose is in the living room, grouching and grumbling about stupid food and stupid stuffing and stupid John and stupid everything basically. The moral of today's story is that StriLondes are not allowed in the kitchen. Because apparently being able to make things like gour-fucking-met Pokemon food does not mean you can make something like stuffing.

Which is bullshit, universe. That is a bullshit universal rule.

Stupid piece of shit universe.

She's watching the broadcast, and she's nodding with every point he makes. And a few times makes a verbal agreement. Because seriously those instructions were shit. They were shit. Whoever decided to write those instructions was an idiot.

Ugh. Thanksgiving is the dumbest holiday.

And she doesn't even have baby here to cheer her up.]]

[It takes fifteen minutes but Dave comes out of the kitchen and offers her a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top.] I knew if I didn't offer you tribute no one would be found living in this house come tomorrow.

There's still left over apple pie. I still can't believe of all the things that's the one to turn out decent. It's like the apple gods smiled and went yes, sounds cool you have our blessing. Go forth and create deliciousness.

Damn straight. John would finally come home and I would have to try and explain to him why you and the others were found strewn about the house.

And then I would have to kill him.

[[She takes the cup with a quiet thank you, sipping at it.]]

Mmmm...just what I needed.

[[She considers the pie, tilting her head up at him.]]

You know, a slice of that sounds delicious. Did you want to join me and watch television while eating some?

Sounds cool. [He steps back and disappears back into the kitchen for a minute only to reappear with his mug and two plates. The pie doesn't look amazing but it tastes okay.

That's all that matters. He presents her with a fork as he parks his butt on the couch with a sigh.]

That tornado was such bullshit. I feel like that's all John's fault. Like hey you fickle bastard don't go drilling into ground with you windy stuff. Or maybe he sneezed.

It was such bullshit! [[Sipping almost angrily at her drink, she takes the fork and grumbles a little, kind of stabbing at the pie.]]

It probably is all John's fault. It was probably on purpose. Like 'oh hehehe this will be a great prank! I'll disappear on them just before Thanksgiving and then make a big tornado on top of it!'

[[That was totally a flawless mockery of John. Totally flawless.]]

'Get them all worried! It'll be great!!'

[Dave takes a quick swig of his drink and pops a stray slice of cinnamon covered apple that fell out of his slice of pie into his face.] OR he just zapped again and went, 'dave's wrong this isn't time travel! It has history altering with it's own rules!!!!'

Guess what. That's time travel, genius.

[He cuts off a bit of his pie and stuffs in his face. He grumbles.] Next time I see him I'll kick him in the shin and pin him down.

Edited 2013-12-02 02:55 (UTC)

[[There's a small 'here here' after the time travel comment, but then he says the next part. It takes everything in Rose not to laugh, but the smile is harder to restrain.]]

You'll pin him down, hm?

[[Dave when you say shit like that you make it really hard to stay in a bad mood. Just going to take a bite of pie.]]

I realized halfway through that how you'd take it. [It had been too late to save it. He gives her a look over the top of his mug.]

I'm not a homewrecker damn it. Last time we sparred I made the mistake of thinking shit John will be easy to fight with. Holy shit was I wrong. He hits like an ogre. If that's a family thing I'm a little scared for the future Rose.

There was almost a rip Dave Strider he got flattened by the fist of a god. Literally because we're godtiers.

[[She merely chuckles at his reaction.]]

I don't believe there is any homewrecking between twins, Dave. Only three-ways. And of course. Dave, he fights with hammers. War hammers, sledge hammers, you name it. What the hell were you honestly expecting?

Our children will be perfect.

They're going to speak in tongues and crack the earth. I got it. [He hits his open palm with his fist.] You're trying to breed Eldritch horrors and oh my god did you really go there!!

For that to even work John would have to be the breezing filling in-

[He stuffs more pie into his face to cut that thought short.] Nope. Nope. We're not going there.

He would have to be the 'middle man' I know. [[She grins a little.]] But you say that like he would say no. You know how much he likes hot blondes, Dave. He would have one on each arm then.

And nonsense. If I were trying to breed Eldritch horrors, this relationship would get a lot kinkier a hell of a lot quicker. There would be tentacles and egg-laying involved at the very least.

Will you let the desert wasp mating thing we saw on Discovery once go. That was creepy and I'm pretty sure John would protest you making him the depository of the kids till they eat him alive from the inside.

[He leans away from her a little while not touching the first part of the conversation.]

Who said he'd be the incubator? You've said it yourself, Dave, I'm the one with a thing for tentacles. Don't you think I'd be the one with the thing for all of the alien breeding methods too?

Or were you always of the opinion I would be using my tentacles on others. Like you, for example. Were you scared I'd turn you into a desert wasp, Dave?

No. No, look I wasn't scared of you when we were ornery, sassy ten year olds. [He shuffles a little bit away from her now, sensing this is about to go bad for him.]

Like you wouldn't be hella jazzed at the idea of being in command of who bears your wriggling red lobster children. They'd be a zoologist's nightmare and you'd just beam with pride over the corpse of your latest victim of implantation. All smiling and yes, yes my babies eat daddy's flesh and grow strong.

Edited 2013-12-03 04:19 (UTC)

[[The smile on her face almost turns wicked as she sets her plate down carefully, turning to face Dave.]]

You weren't? You're not implying that you're scared of me now, are you? [[Because gosh golly why would you be scared of your sister? Your sister who is now crawling towards you on the couch.]]

After all, I can promise you it isn't painful. Well sure, perhaps the first few hours might be, as they're starting to gnash their little teeth against the flesh of your insides. And as they squirm around within your organs, that might be a little unpleasant too. But once they break air, the pain will be over!

...granted, that may be because they've already ingested your heart and you're likely no longer breathing, but semantics.

[[If he doesn't run, Rose will gladly pin him to the couch and hover over him oh so menacingly.]]

[To his credit, Dave doesn't run but Rose's hands pinning him down is a bit alarming. He raises an eyebrow and tries to seem like her behavior hasn't bothered him in the slightest by taking another bite of his pie.

He chews thoughtfully before finally answering her.]
Okay you're starting to be a little disturbing, you can get off now.

Jesus christ, if you incubate with your brother they're going to come out wrong, you know that right? Mom will get flipper grandchildren and mistake them for Pokemon. Little Jimmy will think he can evolve and then where will you be?

Ooops mom I bred with my brother, you'll have to wait for batch too from John to have those grand kids.

Come on, this joke is going to bit too far. By bit I mean we raced over the line after daring each other who would go first.

Is it? [[She sits back for a moment, then moves to just kind of laying on his legs. Enjoy that, Dave.]]

Sorry. Though I don't think they'd be that ugly. Wow way to doubt our genes. Sure they'd be a little...different. But certainly not that bad.

[Uggggh he has to admit things that might damn him.] Yeah no, they'd be super hot. I don't think anyone could resist them they'd be that fine looking. Our genetics guarantees the next Adonis will arise from my line or yours.

[[Hey, hey. She admitted it too. Then again she was probably damned long before you were so haha, neener neener.]]

Damn straight. I'll need you around to beat people off of my children with a stick. I don't think daddy John will be enough. But I bet people won't fuck with uncle Dave.

I'll do better than a stick. I'll get the riot shields swat teams use and hold back the flood called in by our genetic pheromones. You have the future kings and queens of the world tucked away waiting to be unleashed.

It's a big responsibility. Are you up to the task? [Don't you neener, neener him.]

Good. I like hearing that. And are you truly asking me that question Dave? Seriously, think for a moment about who you just asked that question.

[[Neener, neener, neeeeenerrrrr.]]

Yeah I realized that was dumb seconds after I asked. You'll be leading them as they conqueror the world with their dashing good looks.

[Stopppp the neeennnnnerrrring.]

Empress Lalonde has a terrifying ring to it.

Hush, my child. You will come to love and respect the name Empress Lalonde soon enough.

[[She's apparently been practicing her evil chuckle, because that chuckle sure was pretty dastardly.]]

Ok that was creepy. You should do it to John when he's not looking directly at you.

Which, the speech or the cackle?

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